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 The Rapist Part 2

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Posts : 18
Join date : 2009-09-23

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PostSubject: The Rapist Part 2   The Rapist Part 2 EmptyTue Oct 13, 2009 10:02 am

I was talking on the phone to my friend Clara, on a typical afternoon after-school. We randomly touched the topic of who we would do over-the-line things for.
“No really, I would suck your blood if I snake bit you,” my friend playfully promised.
I know that that put me in the list of her favorite people, which made me happy because she was one of my favorite persons. For her, sucking somebody’s blood was extremely disgusting. I promised I would do the same thing if a snake bit her. That’s was best friends were for, protecting each other.
Later in our lives, on one of those traditional evenings, we had to go to another friend’s house to pick up some materials to finish our posters. We were at my house, so we headed towards my car. On our way, Clara heard voices. We were alone in my house, and most of the lights were turned off. With the wind blowing stronger than usual, and the lack of people conversing in my house, it was quite a scary scene. So, in fearful laughter we ran to my car, got in, and I locked the doors as fast as I could.
We felt safe, but only for a minute. As soon, as I started driving, we both heard noises coming from the trunk of my car. We both, while talking in code, concluded that there was a man carrying a gun behind prepared to do some sketchy action. This might seem unreal, but we believed it wholeheartedly. At the stoplight, my friend opened the door and almost got out of the car. I could not do the same because I was driving, and the stoplight had just turned back to green.
After lots of discussion, I was able to convince Clara to check for the man’s presence. She went to the back of the car to do so. All of a sudden, I heard the loudest most fearful scream I have heard in my entire life.
“What!? Why are you screaming?” I asked, anxiously. My face changed contours, and my body started trembling. My pupils dilated, my heart pounded against my ribs, and time ticked by slower.
“There is a dead man!” Clara exclaimed in aghast.
In any other occasion, I would have thought she was kidding, but because of her tone, I did not even think about it, and started honking the horn incessantly as I pushed the button to turn on the emergency blinkers. My friend was kneeling on the back sit, with her hands grabbing the head rest, while she stared at the dead body. On the opposite side of the car, I did the same.
He must have died less than two hours ago. The blood was fresh, and his eyes had been pulled off. He looked like a demon. Somehow, as soon as I saw him, I could not move, and kneeled there paralyzed. The cars behind us were honking their horns obnoxiously, and the situation struck me.
“Get out!” I pushed Clara, and I got off the car right after her. I grabbed my cell phone and called my mom.
I discovered I was crying, and nobody answered on the other side. Desperately, I called my father, thankfully he answered, and while sobbing and almost incomprehensibly I told him. “There is a dead man in my car!”
“Honey, relax, and slowly tell me what’s going on.” He responded in a soothing manner.
The cars kept on passing by, people peeping out at us to see what was going on, and the drivers would not cease honking.
“There,” sob, “is a,” sob, “dead,” crying “just come please!” I was not able to finish my sentence. I felt like an ant in New York, overwhelmed by everything that surrounded me. The night was hot.
“Where are you?” my dad’s deep voice on the cell phone asked.
Clara found a little stair to sit, and was crying uncontrollably just like me. I handed her the cell phone, because I could not talk anymore. “We are right in front of Club Terraza,” Clara told him, trying to control herself.
“Okay, I will be there soon,” my dad assured.
I tried to call my mom again, and, again, she didn’t answer.
My dad, got there in less than five minutes, and took control of the situation. He investigated the body, and called the police. Then, he gave us a small speech on how we should calm down, and called somebody to come and pick us up.
Soon, a driver picked us up and took us back to my house. My dad stayed there for like five hours, and called us saying that the police wanted to talk to us about it. I told my dad I was not prepared for that, and nor was Clara. He understood, and I really don’t know how, but we did not get interrogated.
The police took my car, and my dad came to my house afterwards to talk to Clara and I about what had happened. Apparently, the man was part of a gang that habituated a barrio near my house. The police don’t know why he was killed, or who killed him, but they suspect that they were members of his same gang. Clara and I were still shocked, so he suggested Clara and forced me to go to a Psychologist. My car would be returned to me in a week.
When my dad left, Clara and I went to the kitchen to grab something to eat, and talked about what happened. We were more relaxed by now. I realized that in the middle of my internal commotion I had completely forgotten my mom was out of the country. Right afterwards, I started laughing uncontrollably.
Clara didn’t laugh; “control yourself,” she urged.
“Okay,” I gradually stopped. “I really don’t want to get into that car again,” I complained.
“I don’t know how I am going to sleep ever gain,” Clara responded, bleakly.
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Posts : 44
Join date : 2009-09-22

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PostSubject: Re: The Rapist Part 2   The Rapist Part 2 EmptyFri Oct 23, 2009 9:07 am

Andrea, I like this "what if". You lead off in such a convincing way, describing the usual routine of school girls, and you put across your own disbelief of the circumstances so well, that I believe your story. I do think you should describe the dead guy more carefully. Where was the blood? How did the sight make your narrator feel physically? I also feel you wrap things up much to quickly. Maybe the dead body has nothing to do with the characters, but now that they've come across it, what might happen? Does it implicate them somehow? In their minds? Maybe strange things start to happen, leading nowhere definite, but causing a change in the narrator? You have written the set-up, now explore the possible repercussions. This is entertaining reading.
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