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 Vertigo Take 2

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Posts : 18
Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Vertigo Take 2   Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:02 am

It was an average school day, full of drowsy thoughts and monotony, and I was walking to my next class in a crowded hallway, kids packed like sardines in a can. Calculus had been especially hellish and I was on my way to what was sure to be a similar physics class, but as I walking past the library, I was hit with a bout of extreme vertigo, a sensation quite familiar to me having dealt with Meniere’s syndrome and its associated symptoms for several years, but dreaded as it could mean my symptoms were returning to the scale they had been on several years before. As my hearing was replaced by a helicopter-like ringing sound, I attempted to lower myself to the ground in a manner that would not look like I was seizing or something and freak people out, but was unsuccessful as it is quite difficult to move in a controlled manner when you are so dizzy you cannot tell which way is up or where any of your body parts are in relation to one another. I proceeded to lie down in the hallway against the wall, trying to look as normal as possible and failing miserably. As I lay on the floor, I assumed someone would stop to help. As a good portion of my 3000+ person school continued on by in a hurry to their next class I was confident that at least one person would stop to help and see if the person flat out on the hallway floor and clearly not okay, was okay. More and more people passed, all I saw was a blur of movement, but not a single stationary individual came to rest in front of me. It was hopeless I thought, I will be here forever until a teacher comes by.

I gave up on anyone stopping. My eyes began to fill up with tears and I found myself completely overwhelmed by a sense of hopelessness and self pity. The hallways began to empty and the blurs in front of me thinned out. A tear slipped down my cheek, but before it could meet the ground a figure appeared in my blurred vision.

“Are you ‘kay?” Over my ringing ears I heard a voice I had come to be familiar with over the years, belonging to Abelino, the most beloved janitor at our school. I had never actually spoken with Abelino, as I was a French student and Abelino generally only formed close friendships with students capable of fluent Spanish, due to his own linguistic abilities. I explained to him my condition and that I was okay but I would some assistance getting to the nurses’ office. Eventually the dizziness began to recede a little and Abelino guided me to the elevator and the nurse’s office. While we walked he told me about his children and their hobbies and how much he liked working at our school. I thanked Abelino as he dropped me off and he gave me a comforting pat on the head and a “hasta luego” for good measure.

The dizzy spell eventually passed and I was able to return to class, both anxious that my symptoms might return and slightly perturbed that no one had thought to offer help to the person lying on the floor. At the same time I was glad that it was Abelino and not someone else who had stopped for me, for if he hadn’t we would have never formed the relationship we held over the rest of the year. My neglect on the hallway floor led to shared smiles in the hallway, shouts of “hola,” and passing conversations with one of the most genuinely happy people I have ever met.
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Posts : 44
Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Re: Vertigo Take 2   Mon Oct 19, 2009 12:43 pm

Meneire's syndrome is very intriguing and since you have personal experience w it and can write about it w authority you ought to consider using it again, in a fictional story. How might it be used to develop character?
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Posts : 32
Join date : 2009-09-22
Age : 28
Location : Olin College (MA)

PostSubject: Re: Vertigo Take 2   Tue Oct 20, 2009 10:11 am

this story was written very well. You have an easy flow to your piece which makes reading the story a joy. It would be very easy to over-parameterise this text, with excessive description etc, but you have shown excellent restraint in your writing and it certainly comes out. You might consider improving the dialogue as you currently have one line (which you did make count).

"With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting. "
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