Live To Write '09

Olin College Creative Writing '09 Forum
 
HomeHome  CalendarCalendar  FAQFAQ  SearchSearch  RegisterRegister  Log in  

Share | 
 

 Retreat to Desire 2

Go down 
AuthorMessage
Mike240



Posts : 38
Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Retreat to Desire 2   Mon Oct 12, 2009 4:45 pm

In my sophomore year of high school, my best friend and I went on a sophomore retreat with the rest of our class. We arrived at a small campground equipped with a large cabin, a few basketball courts, and a picnic area. After suffering through the mandatory recitation of the rules, Christine and I separated from the group and went off to explore the more secluded part of the camp. While we walked, we stumbled upon a small beach. This beach was rather peculiar, as right in the middle, there was a sand bar that stretched into the water, surrounded by ducks and pointing directly away from the shore. We walked, together, down this strip of sand.

“It’s really nice out here,” she said, walking farther out towards the water, “the sun is really beautiful today.” I lagged behind her, looking down and observing her footprints instead of replying. I knew what I could use this moment to do, but at the same time, I couldn’t stop thinking about all that could go wrong. I stole another glance at her, wishing silently to myself for the courage to say what was on my mind. At that very moment, however, the world intervened. With almost blinding speed, the sun shrouded itself in its billowing grey garb, and Christine and I began to feel the first signs of rain.

“Let’s go!” she yelled to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me out of my stupor. “Let’s see if we can find a place to get out of the rain!” We ran back towards the camp, our hands tightly intertwined, and found an abandoned red umbrella, no doubt left behind by other campers who had been there in the past. Christine went underneath, and pulled me in after her. We stood for a while, our bodies nearly on top of one another, until I couldn’t stand it any longer.

“Christine!” I proclaimed, looking everywhere but her face, startled by the power I managed to summon. My courage immediately failed me again, when suddenly, I felt a reassuring tug on my hand. I looked up to see her looking directly at me, the reflection of the falling rain clearly visible in her bright, shining eyes.

“Yes?” she said, leaning her body closer into mine. I somehow found myself moving closer to her, as well.

“Christine, I’ve wanted to tell you something for the longest time, but I’ve never been able to say it. Do you want to know?”

“Of course, Mike, you know you can tell me anything.”

I looked into her eyes, past the reflection of the rain, past their beauty that I always adored, until I was looking at her soul. At that very moment, I knew it would be wrong for me to continue talking. I took both her hands in mine, and prepared to do something I had never done before.

I kissed her.


Last edited by Mike Sullivan on Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:52 am; edited 1 time in total
Back to top Go down
your father



Posts : 18
Join date : 2009-09-23

PostSubject: Re: Retreat to Desire 2   Mon Oct 12, 2009 6:44 pm

wonderful
Back to top Go down
your father



Posts : 18
Join date : 2009-09-23

PostSubject: Re: Retreat to Desire 2   Mon Oct 12, 2009 6:48 pm

what was the kiss like? what if she had been as reserved as u were at first?
Back to top Go down
Mike240



Posts : 38
Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Re: Retreat to Desire 2   Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:34 am

Comments por favor
Back to top Go down
Alis grave nil, pax



Posts : 25
Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Re: Retreat to Desire 2   Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:53 am

FANTASTIC! the close attention to detail is profound Very Happy king farao
Back to top Go down
Wolfking



Posts : 25
Join date : 2009-09-23
Age : 27

PostSubject: Re: Retreat to Desire 2   Fri Oct 16, 2009 11:54 am

This is a great story. The images and setting work perfectly towards setting the mood of the story. Two people, alone on a beach, running in the rain, ending up placed precariously close, as if the moment was fated to occur. There's just enough description of the setting to make it realistic and meaningful. Plus, it's a story that most people can relate to: falling for a close friend, but never having the courage to articulate your feelings because you're unsure of what will happen. You don't want to ruin the friendship. I think the best part of the story is the rhythm. It starts off slow, luxurious, but as they run through the rain, it speeds up, just like the action in the story. Then, as they're under the umbrella, the paragraphs become shorter, getting faster paced as I'm sure the narrator's heartbeat is as well. And then it ends. "I kissed her." It's an excellent way of finishing the story: short, sweet, yet conclusive. It's all that we need to know. But, it's also a good point to continue off of. If you want, you can keep going. Describe the kiss. What's it like? Describe what happens after. Do you go back to camp? Do you sit out in the rain and hold hands?

If you want to continue this story, make it longer, etc..., here's some feedback on that (personally, I think it works best the way it is). But, if you make it longer, you have the misfortune of my cynicism coming into play. I'll keep it within the lines of craft though. It's a storybook relationship and happy ending, but there's only internal conflict. That drives the scene, but if this becomes a story, it'll need to be more. You could either start before this and have this be the final moment of the story (in which you can keep the happy ending), or you could go on after this. But if you go on, there'll have to be conflict to keep it interesting. But that conflict could ruin the perfect moment.
Back to top Go down
Sponsored content




PostSubject: Re: Retreat to Desire 2   

Back to top Go down
 
Retreat to Desire 2
Back to top 
Page 1 of 1
 Similar topics
-
» Scraphappykat's retreat: Reposted as details are different!!
» Scrapbooking Weekend Retreat - Gold Coast
» ScrapGirls Retreat Oct/Nov 2009...
» Brisbane Scrapbooking Retreat - end April
» LO'S FROM ATDML RETREAT ..AT LAST

Permissions in this forum:You cannot reply to topics in this forum
Live To Write '09 :: Plotting in 3D Narrative Space-
Jump to: