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 Airplane, air marshall and forced relocation. Nerd(s) gone wild... Pt. 2

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Posts : 32
Join date : 2009-09-22
Age : 27
Location : Olin College (MA)

PostSubject: Airplane, air marshall and forced relocation. Nerd(s) gone wild... Pt. 2   Fri Oct 09, 2009 1:08 pm

Location: Perth Airport (Domestic Arrivals), Western Australia
Time/Date: 26-01-08 @ 16h00


“Where on earth could he be!?” exclaimed the woman, peering around anxiously. A tall and elegant figure, dressed in an immaculate combination of ivory white jeans and egg-shell white blouse, adorned with two rows of simple freshwater pearls, tucked back a loose strand of hair and peered around the arrivals terminal, hoping against hope that everything had gone smoothly.

Beside her a shorter, powerfully built man stood silent. Unnoticed by most, in his understated black Brioni suit, he melted perfectly into the environment of businessmen arriving home after 24 hour flights from London, Paris, New York, Los Angeles, and politicians returning from the recent APEC summit in Sydney, all eager to get home to their families and paying little attention to the pair standing in the center of the hall. He checked his watch, something was wrong, Michael should have arrived two hours ago. Flicking his eyes back to the board he confirmed that flight QF154 had indeed arrived at 1:00pm, as scheduled, and the baggage collection belt from said flight had long ago stopped its rotation.

They looked at each other, communicating silently. Looking back at his watch the man shook his head and the women gave an almost imperceptible nod.

“Kak,” She muttered in an accented soprano, eyes furrowed as she reached into her purse.

“We might have to relocate,” said the man. He didn’t speak loudly and anyone more than one meter away would have had difficulty hearing anything he said, yet his voice had an air of unspoken authority, and he carried himself in a way which leant credibility to assumed power dynamic between the two.

“Ja, I don’t see how we have a choice,” agreed the women. She passed off a small object and with that he lead off in the direction of the taxi rank.

Location: Unknown
Time/Date: 26-01-08 @ 15h30

Far away, on a small, unidentified airfield surrounded by an interminable expanse of endless rusted sands and hardy scrub, a small Cessna Citation V turbofan-powered business jet, sat empty, unremarkable but for small addendum to the standard UC-35 aircraft designation. For UC-35A is not a civilian designation.

More important however, was the contents of this aircraft, for within the passenger compartment, two small travel bags lay open, their contents spread out over the cabin and a small dark brown stain of some unidentified substance marring the modified front-left passenger seat.

Location: Somewhere over Australia, Flight Path 17 (SYD-PER).
Time/Date: 26-01-08 @ 13h25

“I cannot fucking believe it,” I muttered angrily. “I shoulda kept my bek shut. Now this whole situation is befok. How the fuck did that fail. It should have worked!”

Handcuffed very securely to a seat in the front of the domestic Airbus A330 I was decidedly unhappy about my current situation, and the imposing air-marshall sitting in the emptied row next me didn’t seem much more enthusiastic. If anything his hard unflinching gaze reflected a very unwelcome amount of animosity and I did not feel confident that I would make it through the day without some very physical repercussions.

“Silence,” he commanded. “your privileges have been revoked. Anything you say now will only cause you more trouble you sonovabitch.”

Now 14 rows rows behind me now, my compatriots sat silently, wishing for the flight to land and the safety of their homes. Traitors to the cause, all of them. Their punishment would be severe.

However my immediate future did not seem any less bleak, and sagging back into my chair I began to whisper a prayer. It was going to be a very long day.

Location: Sydney Airport (Domestic)
Date/Time: 26-01-2008 @ 12h30

I sat in the departures lounge in a deep state of reflection and contemplation, my mind awhirl with feelings of joy, sorrow, anticipation, and apprehension.

For two weeks in January 2008 I had attended the National Youth Science Forum in Canberra, Australia. This was a two week program for nationally selected students to experience college life, engage in passionate discussions about global and national issues, explore different areas of the scientific domain through presentations and workshops with leading eminent Australian scientists, and of course, have fun.

Myself and eight other students from Perth, Western Australia had been selected for this fantastic program which required us to take a 5 hour plane trip to Sydney before spending another 4 hours on a bus to the capitol. The trip there was relatively uneventful; apart from a few delays nothing of any major significance occurred and we all arrived safe and happy in Canberra. The next two weeks passed in a blur of labs, lecture halls, discos, excursions and general awesomeness and for the 150 students in attendance, the last night together was spent in small groups, talking, playing instruments and just relaxing in the presence of the like minded individuals with whom we had all made such fast friendships.

One of the best things we learned whilst at NYSF was how to chant....properly, and boy did we excel. In a sense the NYSF was characterized by charmingly unique and bonding chants, so in the departure lounge of Sydney airport, already feeling the pangs of withdrawal, I had decided (in collaboration with the other Perth students, that we would all sing THE NYSF chant just after takeoff.)

Alas, beware the two-faced joker.

Location: Somewhere over Sydney, Airspace Exit Path 34.
Date/Time: 26-01-08 @ 13h15 (Just after takeoff)

It was the agreed upon time. We had taken off and the landing gear had retracted. It was too late to turn back now.

"WE ARE THE NYSF, NAD YOU KNOW WHAT WE GOT?!!"

Silence

"WE GOT TEAM THAT'S HOTTER THAN HOT!" Holy shit this was bad, why hadn’t they joined in?!?! But I couldn’t stop now.

"HOW HOT IS HOT?” I knew I was screwed.

“ENGINEERING, AND SCIENCE TOO…."

This would be awkward.

"OUR TEAM IS HOTTER THAN YOU!!!"

Well, suffice it to say the air-marshall came up, asked me to explain myself, mentioned that passengers in the back of the plane were very concerned about what was going on, and relocated me to the front of the plane.

Ok, so you learn. In those situations you just have to go with the very embarrassing flow.

But wait. Does it get worse??

You tell me.

School the next week. I go the entire school assembly as per usual. Everything is normal. I get asked to stand by the headmaster. (In front of 1,500 students). the captain of the cricket team came up to the podium, explained they had apparently been coming back from a series of games in Sydney around the same time, (uh oh), and indeed had been on a very interesting flight.

I wondered where the 20 man team had been located on the flight. Perhaps they didn't know too much....

Later I would wonder how oblivious I could be to not notice 20 boys from my school (half of whom were in my grade), sitting in the row behind me.

Location: Somewhere in California, United States of America.
Date/Time: 6-07-07 @ 17h30

On a point overlooking small sunset illuminated town a large robot stood facing the heavens as two young teenagers explored the intricacies of corvette engines.

"With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting. "

Luckily for me, fate had set in motion a series of events which would forever rock the world, and in the Australian desert, not far from an undisclosed military base, an unknown being slumbered.

Location: Unknown
Date/Time: 26-01-08 @ 17h00


Not far below the desert surface, two gleaming blood red optical units snapped open. On the surface a unearthly metallic hand broke free from the sands that had contained it for two millenia, and a voice dripping with malice carried on the wind."

"The shit is about to hit the fan. Puny earthlings, prepare to die."

_________________
"With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting. "
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Mike240



Posts : 38
Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Re: Airplane, air marshall and forced relocation. Nerd(s) gone wild... Pt. 2   Tue Oct 13, 2009 10:03 am

I like the style you chose to rewrite this!
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Petrakan (Pet)



Posts : 19
Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Re: Airplane, air marshall and forced relocation. Nerd(s) gone wild... Pt. 2   Tue Oct 20, 2009 11:04 am

“If anything(,) his hard unflinching gaze reflected” Needs a comma after “anything”.
“Now 14 rows rows behind me now,” Eliminate one of the “now”s and one of the “row”s. You only need one of each.

The story starts off with an interesting, backwards-time technique. I like that idea, but then the time flow jumps around and it is very difficult to follow. I recommend providing contextual clues to aid in the understanding of the time flow. For example, readers tend to not notice the year difference if the year is usually consistent. The 2007 entry as a whole was confusing to people who are not familiar with the Optimus Prime story…. Like…me! Therefore, I fail to see the connection between the desert in the unknown location and the flight from Sidney. They seem like two disjointed stories, and I can’t figure out how they connect.
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maryshelley



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Join date : 2009-09-22

PostSubject: Re: Airplane, air marshall and forced relocation. Nerd(s) gone wild... Pt. 2   Fri Oct 23, 2009 9:54 am

yes, the backwards plotting is very cool, but why confuse the reader with an ending/beginning that is not overtly connected to everything before it? I'm interested in knowing how the parents waiting at the terminal actually connect to the story and to the first person narrator (their son), other than that they are waiting on his arrival. Every piece should connect, since it is a sequential revelation you are giving. Why do you switch the sequence midway and give the waiting to board before what happens on the plane? This is a mis-step, I think. Does the narrator think of his parents, perhaps, waiting for him? If he did this, I missed it and it needs to be repeated. The structure is incomplete at the moment. But I am intrigued by these parents, who show little emotion, compared to the two-faced joker who is very sympathetic, I think. not sure where this is going.
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